Caninetraining

The old sergeant had received a communication from the Green Zone concerning the “Training and Evaluation of Canine Assets.” This communication laid out certain guidelines for Army working dogs concerning their training, feeding, health and performance. What bothered the sergeant was that a “senior” dog handler would visit and evaluate the canine.

Ordinarily the sergeant would simply ignore such bureaucratic horse crap as this but the communication was signed by the Commanding General and it stated at the bottom: Any animal not passing the performance evaluation would be retired and/or disposed of. This sounded a lot like they would shoot Dog if he didn’t match up with the Army’s standards. And he could not allow that.

The sergeant looked over at Dog sitting in the corner of his make shift office. He was NOT what an inspector would call the poster boy for Army working dogs. In fact Dog was engrossed in licking his privates at the moment and still had blood on his mouth from some Muj he had taken a bite out of the day before.

The old sergeant grimaced. “Dog we need to talk. We got some hotshot from Headquarters coming to look you over. You are going to have to straighten up and behave yourself. Are you listening Dog?”

Dog continued to lick himself and the only response the sergeant got was a low rumbling growl. The old sergeant just sighed. This is going to be a real problem, he thought.

“Ok, Dog. You’ve had it easy for a long time. Now we are going to have to train the army way. Let’s go.” As the sergeant went out into the compound, Dog was on his heels three steps behind. When the sergeant was in the middle of the compound he turned and Dog stopped, staring expectantly.

“All right you mangy mutt. We are going through a series of practice drills. Let’s start off easy. On my command: SIT!” Dog barred his teeth and remained standing.

“Ok, ok. Let’s try something else. On my command: LAY DOWN! SIT! RUN! GIVE ME YOUR PAW! ROLL OVER!” Dog remained standing looking sideways at the old sergeant.

The platoon had started to gather and was making their usual astute observations. “Hey Pappy!" one called. “Have Dog fetch me a beer!”

The sergeant gave them a withering look. “You know if you guys were as smart as Dog you would have his rank. Now shut up while I try something.” He turned to Dog and said:

“CHECK THE PERIMENTER FENCE ON THE DOUBLE!” Dog was off like he was shot. Up and down the fence, nose on the ground, ears up and teeth barred. The old sergeant just shook his head. Like any old army grunt, Dog would not readily obey stupid commands but would do his job when push came to shove. This was not going to be pretty.

And of all things, at just that moment a convoy pulled into the compound and the sergeant had a sinking feeling he knew who it was.

Sure enough a full bird Colonel got out of the lead humvee like he owned the world. He also had brought the biggest working dog the sergeant had ever seen. Well, almost.

The old sergeant went to greet the Colonel and saluted as he approached.

“Stand fast Sergeant. As you probably know I am the commanding officer of the canine inspection team. If you came any closer I’m afraid that old Judy here would bite your head off. I hate to brag, but Judy has taken first place in the working dog competitions since I have had her. She is well trained but from the look of her I don’t think she likes you.”

The old sergeant stopped and smiled. “I understand Sir. Uh, however Colonel if I may make a suggestion? Our canine is a male and at the moment he is checking the perimeter fence. Might I suggest that we keep the dogs separated until they get to know one another?”

The colonel laughed out loud. “Sergeant are you afraid Judy here will beat up on your dog? Well, the way I look at it if your dog can’t handle himself he should be put down or retired. I do not like fear sergeant and to tell you the truth you look scared to death.”

The old sergeant’s eyes turned steely gray as he felt anger rising. “As a matter of fact Colonel I am afraid. I’m afraid that Dog will kill you and that puppy before I can stop him. I would strongly suggest that you and Judy get back in your vehicle before Dog------.” Too late.

Like a flash of brown and black lightning Dog had arrived and before anyone could move he had “Judy” on her back with his teeth around her throat. “Judy” frozen with fear simply submitted. Dog immediately released her and went for the Colonel.

“DOG!” The old sergeant yelled. Dog stopped dead in his tracks. The sergeant walked up to Dog and patted him on the head. “Dog! Go back to perimeter duty, now!”

With a low rumbling deep inside that sounded like a cement mixer, and no longer seeing the Colonel or the other animal as a threat, Dog returned to patrolling the compound fence. But not before urinating on the Colonel’s humvee.

The Colonels face was so red the old sergeant figured he would either stroke out or have a heart attack. He did neither.

In a low and very angry voice the Colonel said, “Sergeant, if you had that little surprise attack planned I will have you up on charges.”

The old sergeant just smiled. “Colonel, I tried my best to warn you. I advised you to keep Judy out of the way until the animals could get to know each other. I also tried to advise you to get back in your vehicle. In my personal opinion sir, you intentionally placed yourself and your animal in harms way. Dog was guarding his territory as he has been ordered but if you wish to take this matter before the General I will oblige you.”

Seething inside the Colonel said, “Sergeant I will allow this to pass. Simply because I know that Judy here would have ripped that mangy dog of yours to shreds in a fair fight. AND you have the most undisciplined canine in the Army. Unlike my Judy here who suffered through that humiliation and remained by my side.”

“Uh, what dog are you referring to sir?” The old sergeant said with a with a straight face.

“Don’t be obtuse sergeant! I’m talking about-------.” His voice trailed off as he looked around for Judy who had quietly disappeared.

The Colonel went absolutely apoplectic. “Judy! Here girl! Judy!”

As the Colonel looked for his dog one of the goon squad shuffled over to the sergeant. “Pappy, that girl dog took off shortly after Dog almost ripped her head off. She must like the strong silent type because they are behind the HQ building right now, doing the------uh. Well making puppies.”

Pappy took out a cigar and lit it with his Zippo. Then he started to laugh and pretty soon the whole platoon was laughing.

As pappy walked back to his office it dawned on him. I sure would hate to meet the off spring of that couple in a dark alley.

EPILOGE

Dog failed his evaluations but was given a pass when he was personally inspected by the General. The General loved the blood on Dog’s mouth and the way he licked himself. And Dog was very respectful of the General. Apparently even Dog knew when he had to suck up to someone.

The Colonel never did find Judy. Apparently she didn’t think much of him because she stayed with Dog much to the dismay of the old sergeant. But he figured everyone needed somebody.

Wedding announcements will be in the mail.

By:

Steve Newton

Write Pappy at:

stevenewton69@hotmail.com